Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize