i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I got her a Nickelback box set.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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