I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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