My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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