it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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