i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Drake has all the answers
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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