so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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