You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize