Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
