you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
