i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
