i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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