so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
