I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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