nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
