I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize