Heybabeimwearingurpanties
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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