just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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