idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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