The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
