Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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