i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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