Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
