The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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