I wanna bring you to show and tell
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
