I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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