I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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