All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
