I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
