I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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