I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
