Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize