Christians are straight up FREAKS
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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