Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We're too hungover to prance.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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