from now on my penis is your penis
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
