i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
