Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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