Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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