Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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