just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
