If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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