The maid of honor just puked.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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