i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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