mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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