Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Still dying that you shit outside
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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