My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
