it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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