Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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