Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
