im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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