I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize