Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just pee around me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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