How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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