I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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