hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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