EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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