so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize